Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
No. It’s a man. How bad is your eyesight? I mean, I’m right here and clearly a man. Well, perhaps not clearly a man because of these ill-fitting pink knickers, but I’m obviously not a bird or a plane.
And I’m not just any man, I’m DadMan – probably the world’s shittest superhero. Well, unless you include Kevin Bacon as Hollowman. Although, I’m still not 100% sure if he was supposed to be a superhero because he pretty much just used his invisibility superpowers to hang out in women’s bedrooms.
What is my superpower you ask? I can eat a lot of saveloy sausages at children’s birthday parties. I mean, a lot.
So, what am I not terrible at? Writing. They say to write about what you know. And what do I know? Well, not a lot to be fair. However, I do know about being a Dad. Please note that I said “I know about being a Dad”, I didn’t say I have any idea as to what I’m actually doing.
What will you find on this blog? Stories about my kids ramming raisins up their nose, funny parent stuff, and dad advice or Dadvice if you prefer… you probably don’t, but tough that’s what I’m calling it.
So, without further ado, welcome to the adventures of DadMan.
Be sure to sign up for the DadMan Social channels, meet the crew below, and here are probably the best first few blog posts to read – Up, up and away and Parenting 101: How to tell a placenta from a playcentre.
Meet the crew
Superhero Name: The Jasmanian Devil (Cohen coined this term).
Aliases: Chico, Bub Wubbington.
Superpower: Can throw unwanted food further than what should be humanly possible.
Kryptonite: Broccoli and carrots. However, I should mention that she will eat them if they’re on the floor. We’ve considered just tipping all of her food on the carpet and letting her loose.

•  Shoes… but not in the typical way… she’ll hunt down her brother’s shoes and try and eat them whenever no-one is watching.

•  She also likes to try and eat balloons, she faces plants into them with her teeth – It’s going to end in tears one day.
•  Her snuggly toy, she carries it around in her mouth like a lioness would with a cub, and fiercely defends it from any threats/predators/brothers.
•  Nuzzling – Jasmine doesn’t do cuddling, she just gives gentle headbutts.
•  Bellybuttons – Jasmine goes mental for them and routinely assaults her brother. She rams her finger into his bellybutton whilst laughing hysterically. It’s actually a little bit terrifying.
•  Socks – she’ll try and pull them off at any chance.
•  Having the remote taken off her. I feel like dislike isn’t a strong enough word. She absolutely hates it.
Superhero Name: Cheetah Boy
Aliases: Mr Cheeks, Sausagey Bong Bong, Cohen Archie Boo Boo, Gary Cheeseman, Tevita Pangai Junior.
Superpower: He can run fast, but undoubtedly his greatest skill is his ability to turn himself into a human slug which is impossible to pick up. He typically uses this power right before bedtime.
Kryptonite: Anything that isn’t lined up. If you move one of his cars so it isn’t parallel his OCD goes into overdrive. Is known to turn into the human slug if this occurs.

•  The theme tune to the news. Go figure. He dances around like crazy whenever it comes on.
•  Playgrounds. Cohen would live at our local one if given the choice.
•  Painting rocks… and his clothes.
•  Asking us “Did you know…?” and then repeating a fact we have literally just told him.
•  Cheese. Seriously, more than anything.
•  Paw Patrol. I swear half of our house is now Paw Patrol merchandise.
•  Baking with his Mum. Although, I’m not sure if it’s the baking or access to cheese that excites him more.

•  Eggs. Well, not so much dislike but is allergic to. Which, incidentally, we found out at an open home after we’d just fed him eggs for the first time. He did an adult-sized puke in someone’s garden. We didn’t get that house.
•  Loud noises, although somehow this doesn’t apply to Cohen making the loud noises himself.
•  Having his sister steal his toys… or shoes.
Superhero Name: SuperMum
Superpower: Supernatural hearing. SuperMum can hear a pin drop from about 7 kilometres away. On to carpet. With headphones on. 
Kryptonite: Simply Red. More specifically Mick Hucknall’s face. She says he looks like what the Chucky doll would look like when grown up.

•  Sleep

•  Peace and quiet
•  Sleep
•  Relaxing beach holidays
•  Did I mention sleep?
•  Not getting eight hours of sleep
Superhero Name: DadMan
Superpower: The ability to lose or break every pair of sunglasses I’ve owned within a matter of months.
Kryptonite: Yogurt. I can’t eat it without spilling it all over myself. I’m often heard asking SuperMum “Guess what’s down my pants? …effing yogurt again.”

•  Fried chicken, bacon, steak, pizza. It doesn’t even necessarily have to all be together.

•  Beer. No further explanation required.
•  Money. Any advertisers reading this, feel free to give me some. In return for ads of course. Actually, if you want to just give me cash that’s fine too. Contact me here.

•  Standing on lego
•  Snap fasteners aka press studs aka poppers. My percentage of successfully getting all three studs lined up is below 10%.
•  Antenatal brochures designed with 32 different fonts and every colour under the sun. Almost puts you off having babies when you see all the Comic Sans.
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